gone

In one swoop I have lost myself again... when will I learn...when will I walk down a different road then the one I soon swiftly destroy...

I am tired again of this life. It has once again lost all its purpose. Not sure what to do.

This life is a devastating joke...and I am the butt of it...

just a thought today

There are so many people we meet along this journey... some fantastic some bad some forever and some to forget... but each are unique and special in their own way... and whether it be that we cross their paths or they cross ours, each meeting is a unique encounter... you never know what will grow from it...

J x

Monday Nov 8th

A monday in november...here we go, not sure how many days till christmas but I get the sneaky suspision that its going to spring upon us when least expected...

Today I am going to start my workbook in assertiveness..this should be interesting I think... as how assertive am I? I know I can be a pushover one day and then completely over the top pusshy the next...I am sure this will lead me to discover more about my deep seeded issues once again...yes I know its a good thing!

Its rainy here today.... perfect day for soup and movies (ok I admit I just had soup for breakfast!) and movies will have to wait and I am going to hit the gym after work! Time to boost up the endorphins after a long weekend of self abuse!


Happy days to you all..
J x

stepping forward

Its all about the breathing really, and acceptance... just accepting things and moving on is a feat... its hard to let go of the past as memory sometimes serves only to retain the happy thoughts and releases the bad..which makes it hard to move on... but we all know deep down what the answer is, even when we dont want to hear it we still know...

As they say when something is removed from your life it creates a hole, but you must see that hole as an opening for something new to come in and fill.... its something we should be happy about, there is room for more now..

Just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to remain happy throughout.... I have been happy before, and I will be happy again! I know its possible!!!

Its friday... yay...

hugs to you all
J x

Confusing

Days are so up and down... one day is good one day is bad..how many emotions can one person possibly run through...its very frustrating...I just want things to be normal and I want to be normal..a normal happy person living and extrodinary life...is that so much to ask!!!!!

It just doesnt make any sense...none of it... it completely boggles my mind.. and then I hear that others are struggling too and things make even less sense...why does life involve such struggles? Why is it not shiny happy people everywhere? Why is figuring out yourself the hardest thing on this planet to achieve??

I am moaning...I dont mean to moan... its just that its a garble of things in my head and I just want them straighted out.....

Yes day by day step by step.... it gets better, its always darkest before the dawn, blah blah blah... ok I will listen to the cliches for now...

hugs
J x

Its time

Its time to start thinking towards the future... it seems so dark and so uncertain... I am questioning every thought I have... I mainly want to run away and start an new life again... get away from it all here... enough of this.... Or do I stay buckle down and just move on...

I think heartbreak is one of the greatest things to get over... it encompasses all that is you and all the dreams you had for the future and all the hopes that exsisted in that... and then its just gone... and the world is grey... and its the reminders that kill us... the plans that were made and pass by... its all gone... and with it goes the hope as well...

Dwelling is not healthy I know.. moping around isnt either... its just letting go of the pain that is hard....

hugs.
J x

TGIF

Late blog today... its been a day of ups and downs.... But think I got it..the key is to make myself happy and worry about the others later....that was some great advice received today!

One day at a time.... and if life were so perfect there wouldnt be so many movies and shows about it not being perfect right?? So I am not the only one....

J x :)

Therapist day... my favorite day of the week! It feels like its been ages since I have seen her... too long... but its only been a week and a day!

I will always look forward to my sessions as I see them as stepping forwards... out of the darkness and into the light...

Each day I talk to the inner child and control the outter child... I work towards the one day it all works in harmony...

I have decided I want a career change... a new challange, something that is more me and less not me... I need a good fit as I will be working for a long time coming, might as well make it something I enjoy!

To see each day all the gifts that are around...

Hugs to you all..
Will keep you posted and promise to write more details next time!
J x

URRRRGHHH!!!

OK these pills are driving me mad....truth be told I forgot to take my cipralex over the weekend, and omg I was feeling so so good, then I took the full dose on monday and a half yesterday and I feel dull, unsure, I am having anxiety, and its making me feel needy.... which is soooooo the opposite of where I need to be right now!!!

This is so wrong... so so wrong... I get to see the therapist tomorrow so I am going to get her opinion of what I need to do... fingers are crossed she will let me come off of them... fingers crossed...

And the most bizarrest dreams....I was on the big boat with all the crew but we kept on running aground...and then there was a great dane and a black kitten that were with me... and we were trying to get where we were going... and it started raining... all very odd... (well actually I did think there was rain last night) LOL

OK keeping it together till I get to see the therapist tomorrow....

hugs all...
J x

Hmmm

I guess this is what getting better feels like.... I feel like Bambi really, shaky legs and uncertainty... but I guess that is life in general

I look at others and I think wow, one day I would love to be that confident, one day... But learning the being me is the best thing is great... its nice to admire people but its also nice to not have to pressure myself to be something I am not... I am simply me.

Its crazy to think I was ready to end it all...to take away this experience from myself... how deep and dark that place had become is amazing to me know... I had thought about something happening the other day and my head screamed at me omg that would be horrendous I want to live!!!!! It was a powerful feeling... a miraculous fabulous feeling...

Day by day.. moment by moment..

A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for - William Shed


Hugs
J x

Happy Monday

Wow its monday and I am feeling bright... I had a good weekend and I just feel so much more inner strength lately! I think all the working on myself is starting to take hold...and its a good feeling... I want to keep this happy trend up for a while!!! See how long I can carry it...

Choosing me, and making decisions that will make myself happier has really done a world of good, learning that my abandonment causes me to be a people pleaser and when I just step up and say and do what I want and what is best for me has been amazing... its really let me live...I no longer live in fear that if I dont say the answer that people dont want to hear then they wont like me... I dont have to be that way anymore at all...its great!!!

Getting it together....am really getting it together

J x :)

well

Here we are its friday.... the eve of the weekend and what I can only hope is a fun filled sailing fantastic time

Have done some thinking... I wish there was a book out there more specific to what I am experiencing....maybe I should write one... lol

Had a fantastic night with friends...very unexpected but well worth it!!!

Everyone enjoy the weekend...its always the hardest for me but lets get through it!

hugs
J x

ahh today

Is therapy day... finally I get to see the doctor...I cant wait...I really cant wait.  Her office is a warm bubble to me, its safe and secure and gives me warmth... I like it..

I am overall feeling better today... I do find that working through my book of Anbandonment to Healing it helps me recover after a bad day.. I also made sure I had a work out in there... There was a bit of progress as I did not let my outter child quit.. which is a change...

The day may be grey outside, but today I am a bit brighter in my heart...

To reach a port we must sail, sometimes with the wind, and sometimes against it. But we must not drift or lie at anchor....

True words.
J x

Lost

Today is a bad day. A bad bad day. I am hurt and suffering and I want to run away and never be found.. I want to leave this earthly place for a place in the sun and the sand where pain doesnt exist and love is the only thing left.. My inner child is unleashing herself at me... the screaming and yelling and the pain that is out of control is so difficult to deal with.. no matter how I tried to soothe her it had already begun to tear my heart into pieces again and all the hard work disappeared...

Stepping forward is hard. Moving and existing is hard. Decisions are hard.

I again have it all out in the open and dragging myself to the good place. It just feels like Everest today..

J

Today is...

What is today... its another day. I dont know why I am always more ruined after the weekend...I think its sundays... sitting alone and just being is hard on me... sundays were always in my mind special days to cuddle up or have a dinner or a laugh.. so being alone stings...

I think I have gone through alot this weekend, treating myself to my vacation was the best thing I ever could have done... it was brilliant... but as this healing goes its up and downs ups and downs.... I wanted to stay home today, just to stay in bed but I did have the common sense today to know that would make me worse. So I came to work... here I am .. woo. but I do recognize the progress that represents...

Thoughts in life are odd... what is it you believe? Many of us have many different thoughts but I had a great thought sharing day with a friend... we are on the same page the same process in life... fate is fate, and although we are independent decision makers in life the universal god has his/her own plan overall...we may stray but there is a thread in life that exists... So in essence really I should not be too down or mourn the loss of love too long, or wish for my mother to come back to me as it all was meant to be... my life my future my moment...

Repeat after me everyone, " I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy".... breathe and repeat.... mantra of the day..

Be present in the moment. That is what my goal is today.

Hugs
J x

Finally friday

There is something so comforting waking up to a stormy morning.... its grey and the wind is howling and there you are cozied up in your bed warm and toasty while it all goes on around you...to me it feels like a big hug sometimes, a closeness and warmth from within... there is just something about it...

My dreams have been so wild lately...full of weird images and symbols...sometimes full of so much pain...but they are all so vivid...so clear, it would just be so nice to know what they actually meant...but I will keep dreaming them and keep trying to interpret

Next week will be the first week I only see my therapist once... I am a bit nervous, I have come to feel that her and her office are a refuse for me, a bubble in the universe where I can step away from it all and take a breath.... but this is a good thing, this is a reflection of my progress in life... I am ready and much more stable...

I cant believe how time moves... it goes by in flashes... It wasnt too long ago I was curled up in the fetal position fighting myself to take my own life.... and now here I am, able to function able to work...a grip on life. And an ability to deal with the real problems of the past now...and really decipher what they mean....or at least get to a point where I can just let them go and not let them have power over my life...

I am going on vacation today, my own little vacation for me... I am really looking forward to it, time in a completely different place and all to myself! Its going to be glorious! Listening to myself and what I need has become so important... Listening to my heart is now my priority... it will let me know what I need to heal...

Happy friday to all... speak to you after the weekend

hugs
j x

The search

Is it just human nature to always wonder, to always be searching for the meaning?? It is so hard not to still question what this is really all for...what is the design here, and what if anything is supposed to play out?

It feels all futile in moments... to live to suffer to then die. hmmm doesnt seem super logical really. What purpose does it really serve?  And do other people question this as well? Or is everyone just content with not knowing or never asking why....

When I cant sleep these are the things I think about... the ultimate questions really... its a weird feeling of not being down and not being up its just being numb.

Maybe it will pass

J x

Well

Another day begins.... as my thearpist explained, healing is like spirals... you are moving in a circular movement vs a linear one... which makes sense...so bad days are just simply that sometimes and perfect healing just doesnt have to move in one direction...

Running away is a favorite pastime of mine, and there are moments right now when I just want to flee, but I fight them and remember that I have people here who love and care for me and they would hate to see me go... just as I would hate to say goodbye...

I just have to start figuring out what Jodi wants...what do I truly truly want....


sigh... wednesday.

j x

Tears....

Nightmares can leave a lasting effect once you are in the waking world.... had such bad ones last night of being left alone and abandoned...so bad I cant seem to stop the tears this morning... its horrendous...

It was of my parents and they kept leaving me behind and pushing me away... it was not good at all... and all I wanted was love acceptance and approval... urgh it was horrible... its the feelings in waking life that I am dealing with now... to not need anyone elses acceptance or approval but it is so hard.. it is the human condition to want to be loved and accepted and to belong... there is no changing our primitive instincts... its just trying to fit it into the present day

So I am sat at my desk deep breathing and trying to stop crying... so far not successful... but must get it under control before the office fills up....

The weekend overall was good, pleasant and friend filled.... should be happy right now but I guess there has to be hiccups and speedbumps in healing

I pray for a fastfoward button right now... That I could zap myself to the future when there is happiness and calm in my life...

I know these parts of life are supposed to give us character... but really how important is character anyway! Who needs it!

I just wish I was sailing... sailing makes it all better...

hugs, gotta go get more tissue.

J x

Friday

Not too sure about today.... feeling a bit off for some reason, I think I have a up day and then when its a low day next it feels bad as if its one step forward and two steps back... but it all could be because I am tired, not a good sleep last night at all... So it could just be tiredness...

Learning about yourself is strange... there are some things I see a bit differently now. Its odd.... things arent as they were... I am still vulnerable and fragile but feeling better over all... I just wonder where its all going to go... there is a love out there and its back and forth but the connection is so strong that neither of us have  been able to walk away...but is it good for me? Just because its true love doesnt necessarily mean its healthy love... its something to think about... I make sure I am doing everything right now to make sure my heart is safe, that is the key thing first...the rest will sort itself out in time.....

Ok 8 hours till I can get outta here.... roll on time!

happy friday
J x

One day more

Well its thursday... there is a feel to thursdays I think...its like how sundays always have a feel.... well today thursday felt like "really are you kidding me?? How can it not be friday?!?!?!" Not that I particularly have anything against thursdays I just wish it was friday...

Today I am feeling good, last night my BFF tortured me by forcing me to run... lol but it was good, as much as I begrudgingly do not want to admit it exercise does make you feel good... boo... and all this time I swore it was just pizza that could make me feel good...

Feeling good does have its dark side though... its the feeling of waiting for the shoe to drop in a sense.. but I do try to apply my tools learnt in therapy and really my saying is "what if it really doesn't matter" which is a huge accomplishment to my "what if..insert WORST case scenario..."  So I feel that is a good change so far.

I do feel timid to rejoin the world again... a big gun shy but my Dr says I cannot hide out and use therapy as an excuse to linger in my cave forever... I must start to learn how to live life in a balance, how to apply my new found skills to the world in which I belong.... I sort of feel like Bambi right now, shaky legs and all...

The future ahead is not so grim and black... its a bit more grey now, I am ok with grey....

J x

Only if...

Life were different somehow... why is it some people can flitter through life untouched by what could be and others seem to get the worst of it... I am not saying I am in the worst category or the best category...just somewhere between here and there...

And figuring out lifes purpose is the challange...what is it all for and what does it really mean or matter for that fact..

Its an abstract sort of day... I get to go to the therapist today...am so excited... I always look forward to making progress.... one day at a time... but need to move forward...

:) x

Its monday

I have managed to survive the weekend... I can say it had everything to do with amazing friends and being surrounded by love.

The time in between tears has grown along with the faith that I am going to be better... I got to sail a fantastic sail this weekend and I realized...sailing was the first thing that was ever mine, all mine..I did it and fell in love with it all on my own..it was something that no one encouraged me to do or introduced me to..its was an amazing revelation to see that there is the strong independent woman inside me...

I still have the question of what is this all for, why are we here and what possible significance could it mean..that is what I do struggle with but I keep doing my homework and push through...

Its going to be a long week I think... gym gym run gym gym and each night homework and my therapist twice this week.... I feel like I am in jodi super boot camp.... lol where is my duvet????

Hugs and loves to those who have given to me this week... I love you all..

J x

Today is...

just another day really, do you ever wonder what is this all for?? I am doing my best to heal recover and get better but there is that thought of well so what if I do? Then what? What extreme thing will happen in my life for all of it to make sense? It really seems futile....

But alas I have managed to stop crying.... I think its been about 18hrs since my last tear so this is really a bit of a record for me... and have managed to get some better rest now... which helps! And exercise I know they always say it but my walk last night really did help... although getting better and having mind space have now left me to contemplate the reality of things...

My adoption books have arrived today: Being Adopted; the lifelong search for self... a book recommended by my Dr to read... it helps explain feelings of the adopted child.... it will be interesting to read through and see familiar behavoir patterns among other adoptees.... another step in my healing... will let you know how it goes

It is friday, the weekend looms ahead... weekends tend to be pitfalls for me... I will do my best to hang on and hang in to what is right and do my homework....

hugs to you all out there..
:) x

Another day

Today making it to work was a challange...staying at the doctor imposed safe house is nice, it is a second home to me but my depression still longs for my own home bed and duvet over my head...

Not sure why today is painful once again, maybe because I have a counselling session today, maybe because its only been a few days since the breakdown began and no one can heal overnight....

I long for happiness, I miss love... I wish things were all around different... but I have to turn my eyes toward the future and tell myself, remind myself that this is good this is the moment where my life truly does change.... every feeling every thought every insecurity that I have ever had is on the outside of me right now, they are like clothing surrounding me... and I have to look each one of them in the eye... I have to face it feel it and deal with it so they will never return to haunt me and ruin my life ever again...

What most people dont know is depression does manifest itself as true pain...physical pain... my chest is so tight sometimes I cant get my breath...but I am learning to breathe...just breathe and it will relax....

Alright...time to start to pretend to work...

:) x

urgh

Weekend was not a good one.... uncontrollable crying and suffering, the pain of depression is great, I never really understood what people meant when they said it but now I know...having been through this I now can see....

I am going to stay with people for a few days...the desire for suicide has become to great to be living on my own right now...although I only own pepto bismal pills and my antidepressants...so I would just end up constipated but happy...lol great.

Pandora's box has been opened and all the feelings have come rushing out....there it all is in front of my face, the raw pain that I have bottled up for the past 35 years...and now its mine out there to deal with once and for all...its a final showdown and I am going to win this one I know it!

Now if I could juuuuust stop crying that would be great... lol

Hang in there. Be there. Be in the moment and truly feel. It is the pain that reminds me I am alive, which I am not sure I am happy about...

I pray to my mom that one day it will be my laughter that will remind me I am alive...

:) x

pitfalls

The weekend did not end well...left in a mass crying heap, uncontrollable and so scared as my mind is becoming a heap of emotional crazyness... I feel so alone in this big world...so much to the point I cant handle it... thank god someone was there yesterday to support me, give me love and just let me be and let it out..but he is right, its time and you have to get up and put one foot infront of the other

I have managed to make it to work today..against all that I wanted... I just wanted to stay in my cave and not see the light of day, but what good does that bring..being alone in my own head is not a healthy place to be...

Fingers crossed I can get in to see my therapist today... fingers really crossed...I need to know what she thinks...

I need to clear my head and dont know how... urgh this is so frustrating...but am I hanging on to the feeling and not just letting it pass? He has assured me this is a glitch and our love is there I know it because I can feel it... I need to relax and get better, really get better... one step at a time

Today I shall just remind myself to breathe and look at the good things coming up... just breathing...

until next time
:) x

Step on

Down and out... relationship on the rocks, lack of confidence, no desire to get out of bed...envious of hearing true laughter around me... its all crashing down...

Its amazing to see how love opens up a whole ball of wax... one day you are single happily living in denial, yes sure we all hit a down day once again but you are able to brush it off move on and be fine...just fine..

Then loves comes to town and boom, world upside down, the euphoria of it, the excitement, the anticipation of whats to come and what does the future hold..its intoxicating...

Then comes the demons...very slowly at first so you don't even notice them creeping up, or they can be explained away by silly things like it was a full moon or tequila...

Then it grows..the nagging inner voice building your anxiety... feeding its own self needs and pushing the wedge between reality and you...emotions fueled by insecurity and fear take you to a new level of insanity then the relationship crumbles...the damage done you hope it can be repaired but its been shaken so badly that the foundation may have cracked and you can never really rebuild on it... that has yet to be determined...

Not to be one to be defeated...so fighting though my wanting desire of hiding in my cave I pulled myself to therapy... well first some antidepressants (cipralex)...then to therapy...talk therapy... going in I was in the belief that there can be hope, is there hope? OMG what if there is no saving me....

Its been three sessions now, and its starting to get to the meat of things, there is homework involved which I do like... am doing a chapter on self talk and it has exercises to complete...Had a quick read and I am definitely in the worrier/victim categories...so I will have to come up with my positive self talk replacements...stay tuned I will post them after doing the homework....

And other homework is to get to the gym a minimum of twice before my next session (sessions are once a week)... so far have been once... fingers crossed I hit two...

Basically this is my blog...its starting at what I can only describe as one step above my lowest point...maybe two steps, this site will cover my journey of complete depression to what I can only hope is truly a happy ending.....I hope you join and follow me on this and send in messages or posts as we go

There are so many of us out there that are faced with challenges... I guess this is my time to face them

For now... I wish us well.... happy thoughts right..lol easier said than done...

:) x