Weekend was not a good one.... uncontrollable crying and suffering, the pain of depression is great, I never really understood what people meant when they said it but now I know...having been through this I now can see....
I am going to stay with people for a few days...the desire for suicide has become to great to be living on my own right now...although I only own pepto bismal pills and my antidepressants...so I would just end up constipated but happy...lol great.
Pandora's box has been opened and all the feelings have come rushing out....there it all is in front of my face, the raw pain that I have bottled up for the past 35 years...and now its mine out there to deal with once and for all...its a final showdown and I am going to win this one I know it!
Now if I could juuuuust stop crying that would be great... lol
Hang in there. Be there. Be in the moment and truly feel. It is the pain that reminds me I am alive, which I am not sure I am happy about...
I pray to my mom that one day it will be my laughter that will remind me I am alive...
:) x
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