TGIF

Late blog today... its been a day of ups and downs.... But think I got it..the key is to make myself happy and worry about the others later....that was some great advice received today!

One day at a time.... and if life were so perfect there wouldnt be so many movies and shows about it not being perfect right?? So I am not the only one....

J x :)

Therapist day... my favorite day of the week! It feels like its been ages since I have seen her... too long... but its only been a week and a day!

I will always look forward to my sessions as I see them as stepping forwards... out of the darkness and into the light...

Each day I talk to the inner child and control the outter child... I work towards the one day it all works in harmony...

I have decided I want a career change... a new challange, something that is more me and less not me... I need a good fit as I will be working for a long time coming, might as well make it something I enjoy!

To see each day all the gifts that are around...

Hugs to you all..
Will keep you posted and promise to write more details next time!
J x

URRRRGHHH!!!

OK these pills are driving me mad....truth be told I forgot to take my cipralex over the weekend, and omg I was feeling so so good, then I took the full dose on monday and a half yesterday and I feel dull, unsure, I am having anxiety, and its making me feel needy.... which is soooooo the opposite of where I need to be right now!!!

This is so wrong... so so wrong... I get to see the therapist tomorrow so I am going to get her opinion of what I need to do... fingers are crossed she will let me come off of them... fingers crossed...

And the most bizarrest dreams....I was on the big boat with all the crew but we kept on running aground...and then there was a great dane and a black kitten that were with me... and we were trying to get where we were going... and it started raining... all very odd... (well actually I did think there was rain last night) LOL

OK keeping it together till I get to see the therapist tomorrow....

hugs all...
J x

Hmmm

I guess this is what getting better feels like.... I feel like Bambi really, shaky legs and uncertainty... but I guess that is life in general

I look at others and I think wow, one day I would love to be that confident, one day... But learning the being me is the best thing is great... its nice to admire people but its also nice to not have to pressure myself to be something I am not... I am simply me.

Its crazy to think I was ready to end it all...to take away this experience from myself... how deep and dark that place had become is amazing to me know... I had thought about something happening the other day and my head screamed at me omg that would be horrendous I want to live!!!!! It was a powerful feeling... a miraculous fabulous feeling...

Day by day.. moment by moment..

A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for - William Shed


Hugs
J x

Happy Monday

Wow its monday and I am feeling bright... I had a good weekend and I just feel so much more inner strength lately! I think all the working on myself is starting to take hold...and its a good feeling... I want to keep this happy trend up for a while!!! See how long I can carry it...

Choosing me, and making decisions that will make myself happier has really done a world of good, learning that my abandonment causes me to be a people pleaser and when I just step up and say and do what I want and what is best for me has been amazing... its really let me live...I no longer live in fear that if I dont say the answer that people dont want to hear then they wont like me... I dont have to be that way anymore at all...its great!!!

Getting it together....am really getting it together

J x :)

well

Here we are its friday.... the eve of the weekend and what I can only hope is a fun filled sailing fantastic time

Have done some thinking... I wish there was a book out there more specific to what I am experiencing....maybe I should write one... lol

Had a fantastic night with friends...very unexpected but well worth it!!!

Everyone enjoy the weekend...its always the hardest for me but lets get through it!

hugs
J x

ahh today

Is therapy day... finally I get to see the doctor...I cant wait...I really cant wait.  Her office is a warm bubble to me, its safe and secure and gives me warmth... I like it..

I am overall feeling better today... I do find that working through my book of Anbandonment to Healing it helps me recover after a bad day.. I also made sure I had a work out in there... There was a bit of progress as I did not let my outter child quit.. which is a change...

The day may be grey outside, but today I am a bit brighter in my heart...

To reach a port we must sail, sometimes with the wind, and sometimes against it. But we must not drift or lie at anchor....

True words.
J x

Lost

Today is a bad day. A bad bad day. I am hurt and suffering and I want to run away and never be found.. I want to leave this earthly place for a place in the sun and the sand where pain doesnt exist and love is the only thing left.. My inner child is unleashing herself at me... the screaming and yelling and the pain that is out of control is so difficult to deal with.. no matter how I tried to soothe her it had already begun to tear my heart into pieces again and all the hard work disappeared...

Stepping forward is hard. Moving and existing is hard. Decisions are hard.

I again have it all out in the open and dragging myself to the good place. It just feels like Everest today..

J

Today is...

What is today... its another day. I dont know why I am always more ruined after the weekend...I think its sundays... sitting alone and just being is hard on me... sundays were always in my mind special days to cuddle up or have a dinner or a laugh.. so being alone stings...

I think I have gone through alot this weekend, treating myself to my vacation was the best thing I ever could have done... it was brilliant... but as this healing goes its up and downs ups and downs.... I wanted to stay home today, just to stay in bed but I did have the common sense today to know that would make me worse. So I came to work... here I am .. woo. but I do recognize the progress that represents...

Thoughts in life are odd... what is it you believe? Many of us have many different thoughts but I had a great thought sharing day with a friend... we are on the same page the same process in life... fate is fate, and although we are independent decision makers in life the universal god has his/her own plan overall...we may stray but there is a thread in life that exists... So in essence really I should not be too down or mourn the loss of love too long, or wish for my mother to come back to me as it all was meant to be... my life my future my moment...

Repeat after me everyone, " I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy".... breathe and repeat.... mantra of the day..

Be present in the moment. That is what my goal is today.

Hugs
J x

Finally friday

There is something so comforting waking up to a stormy morning.... its grey and the wind is howling and there you are cozied up in your bed warm and toasty while it all goes on around you...to me it feels like a big hug sometimes, a closeness and warmth from within... there is just something about it...

My dreams have been so wild lately...full of weird images and symbols...sometimes full of so much pain...but they are all so vivid...so clear, it would just be so nice to know what they actually meant...but I will keep dreaming them and keep trying to interpret

Next week will be the first week I only see my therapist once... I am a bit nervous, I have come to feel that her and her office are a refuse for me, a bubble in the universe where I can step away from it all and take a breath.... but this is a good thing, this is a reflection of my progress in life... I am ready and much more stable...

I cant believe how time moves... it goes by in flashes... It wasnt too long ago I was curled up in the fetal position fighting myself to take my own life.... and now here I am, able to function able to work...a grip on life. And an ability to deal with the real problems of the past now...and really decipher what they mean....or at least get to a point where I can just let them go and not let them have power over my life...

I am going on vacation today, my own little vacation for me... I am really looking forward to it, time in a completely different place and all to myself! Its going to be glorious! Listening to myself and what I need has become so important... Listening to my heart is now my priority... it will let me know what I need to heal...

Happy friday to all... speak to you after the weekend

hugs
j x

The search

Is it just human nature to always wonder, to always be searching for the meaning?? It is so hard not to still question what this is really all for...what is the design here, and what if anything is supposed to play out?

It feels all futile in moments... to live to suffer to then die. hmmm doesnt seem super logical really. What purpose does it really serve?  And do other people question this as well? Or is everyone just content with not knowing or never asking why....

When I cant sleep these are the things I think about... the ultimate questions really... its a weird feeling of not being down and not being up its just being numb.

Maybe it will pass

J x

Well

Another day begins.... as my thearpist explained, healing is like spirals... you are moving in a circular movement vs a linear one... which makes sense...so bad days are just simply that sometimes and perfect healing just doesnt have to move in one direction...

Running away is a favorite pastime of mine, and there are moments right now when I just want to flee, but I fight them and remember that I have people here who love and care for me and they would hate to see me go... just as I would hate to say goodbye...

I just have to start figuring out what Jodi wants...what do I truly truly want....


sigh... wednesday.

j x

Tears....

Nightmares can leave a lasting effect once you are in the waking world.... had such bad ones last night of being left alone and abandoned...so bad I cant seem to stop the tears this morning... its horrendous...

It was of my parents and they kept leaving me behind and pushing me away... it was not good at all... and all I wanted was love acceptance and approval... urgh it was horrible... its the feelings in waking life that I am dealing with now... to not need anyone elses acceptance or approval but it is so hard.. it is the human condition to want to be loved and accepted and to belong... there is no changing our primitive instincts... its just trying to fit it into the present day

So I am sat at my desk deep breathing and trying to stop crying... so far not successful... but must get it under control before the office fills up....

The weekend overall was good, pleasant and friend filled.... should be happy right now but I guess there has to be hiccups and speedbumps in healing

I pray for a fastfoward button right now... That I could zap myself to the future when there is happiness and calm in my life...

I know these parts of life are supposed to give us character... but really how important is character anyway! Who needs it!

I just wish I was sailing... sailing makes it all better...

hugs, gotta go get more tissue.

J x

Friday

Not too sure about today.... feeling a bit off for some reason, I think I have a up day and then when its a low day next it feels bad as if its one step forward and two steps back... but it all could be because I am tired, not a good sleep last night at all... So it could just be tiredness...

Learning about yourself is strange... there are some things I see a bit differently now. Its odd.... things arent as they were... I am still vulnerable and fragile but feeling better over all... I just wonder where its all going to go... there is a love out there and its back and forth but the connection is so strong that neither of us have  been able to walk away...but is it good for me? Just because its true love doesnt necessarily mean its healthy love... its something to think about... I make sure I am doing everything right now to make sure my heart is safe, that is the key thing first...the rest will sort itself out in time.....

Ok 8 hours till I can get outta here.... roll on time!

happy friday
J x

One day more

Well its thursday... there is a feel to thursdays I think...its like how sundays always have a feel.... well today thursday felt like "really are you kidding me?? How can it not be friday?!?!?!" Not that I particularly have anything against thursdays I just wish it was friday...

Today I am feeling good, last night my BFF tortured me by forcing me to run... lol but it was good, as much as I begrudgingly do not want to admit it exercise does make you feel good... boo... and all this time I swore it was just pizza that could make me feel good...

Feeling good does have its dark side though... its the feeling of waiting for the shoe to drop in a sense.. but I do try to apply my tools learnt in therapy and really my saying is "what if it really doesn't matter" which is a huge accomplishment to my "what if..insert WORST case scenario..."  So I feel that is a good change so far.

I do feel timid to rejoin the world again... a big gun shy but my Dr says I cannot hide out and use therapy as an excuse to linger in my cave forever... I must start to learn how to live life in a balance, how to apply my new found skills to the world in which I belong.... I sort of feel like Bambi right now, shaky legs and all...

The future ahead is not so grim and black... its a bit more grey now, I am ok with grey....

J x

Only if...

Life were different somehow... why is it some people can flitter through life untouched by what could be and others seem to get the worst of it... I am not saying I am in the worst category or the best category...just somewhere between here and there...

And figuring out lifes purpose is the challange...what is it all for and what does it really mean or matter for that fact..

Its an abstract sort of day... I get to go to the therapist today...am so excited... I always look forward to making progress.... one day at a time... but need to move forward...

:) x

Its monday

I have managed to survive the weekend... I can say it had everything to do with amazing friends and being surrounded by love.

The time in between tears has grown along with the faith that I am going to be better... I got to sail a fantastic sail this weekend and I realized...sailing was the first thing that was ever mine, all mine..I did it and fell in love with it all on my own..it was something that no one encouraged me to do or introduced me to..its was an amazing revelation to see that there is the strong independent woman inside me...

I still have the question of what is this all for, why are we here and what possible significance could it mean..that is what I do struggle with but I keep doing my homework and push through...

Its going to be a long week I think... gym gym run gym gym and each night homework and my therapist twice this week.... I feel like I am in jodi super boot camp.... lol where is my duvet????

Hugs and loves to those who have given to me this week... I love you all..

J x

Today is...

just another day really, do you ever wonder what is this all for?? I am doing my best to heal recover and get better but there is that thought of well so what if I do? Then what? What extreme thing will happen in my life for all of it to make sense? It really seems futile....

But alas I have managed to stop crying.... I think its been about 18hrs since my last tear so this is really a bit of a record for me... and have managed to get some better rest now... which helps! And exercise I know they always say it but my walk last night really did help... although getting better and having mind space have now left me to contemplate the reality of things...

My adoption books have arrived today: Being Adopted; the lifelong search for self... a book recommended by my Dr to read... it helps explain feelings of the adopted child.... it will be interesting to read through and see familiar behavoir patterns among other adoptees.... another step in my healing... will let you know how it goes

It is friday, the weekend looms ahead... weekends tend to be pitfalls for me... I will do my best to hang on and hang in to what is right and do my homework....

hugs to you all out there..
:) x