Another day

Today making it to work was a challange...staying at the doctor imposed safe house is nice, it is a second home to me but my depression still longs for my own home bed and duvet over my head...

Not sure why today is painful once again, maybe because I have a counselling session today, maybe because its only been a few days since the breakdown began and no one can heal overnight....

I long for happiness, I miss love... I wish things were all around different... but I have to turn my eyes toward the future and tell myself, remind myself that this is good this is the moment where my life truly does change.... every feeling every thought every insecurity that I have ever had is on the outside of me right now, they are like clothing surrounding me... and I have to look each one of them in the eye... I have to face it feel it and deal with it so they will never return to haunt me and ruin my life ever again...

What most people dont know is depression does manifest itself as true pain...physical pain... my chest is so tight sometimes I cant get my breath...but I am learning to breathe...just breathe and it will relax....

Alright...time to start to pretend to work...

:) x

urgh

Weekend was not a good one.... uncontrollable crying and suffering, the pain of depression is great, I never really understood what people meant when they said it but now I know...having been through this I now can see....

I am going to stay with people for a few days...the desire for suicide has become to great to be living on my own right now...although I only own pepto bismal pills and my antidepressants...so I would just end up constipated but happy...lol great.

Pandora's box has been opened and all the feelings have come rushing out....there it all is in front of my face, the raw pain that I have bottled up for the past 35 years...and now its mine out there to deal with once and for all...its a final showdown and I am going to win this one I know it!

Now if I could juuuuust stop crying that would be great... lol

Hang in there. Be there. Be in the moment and truly feel. It is the pain that reminds me I am alive, which I am not sure I am happy about...

I pray to my mom that one day it will be my laughter that will remind me I am alive...

:) x

pitfalls

The weekend did not end well...left in a mass crying heap, uncontrollable and so scared as my mind is becoming a heap of emotional crazyness... I feel so alone in this big world...so much to the point I cant handle it... thank god someone was there yesterday to support me, give me love and just let me be and let it out..but he is right, its time and you have to get up and put one foot infront of the other

I have managed to make it to work today..against all that I wanted... I just wanted to stay in my cave and not see the light of day, but what good does that bring..being alone in my own head is not a healthy place to be...

Fingers crossed I can get in to see my therapist today... fingers really crossed...I need to know what she thinks...

I need to clear my head and dont know how... urgh this is so frustrating...but am I hanging on to the feeling and not just letting it pass? He has assured me this is a glitch and our love is there I know it because I can feel it... I need to relax and get better, really get better... one step at a time

Today I shall just remind myself to breathe and look at the good things coming up... just breathing...

until next time
:) x

Step on

Down and out... relationship on the rocks, lack of confidence, no desire to get out of bed...envious of hearing true laughter around me... its all crashing down...

Its amazing to see how love opens up a whole ball of wax... one day you are single happily living in denial, yes sure we all hit a down day once again but you are able to brush it off move on and be fine...just fine..

Then loves comes to town and boom, world upside down, the euphoria of it, the excitement, the anticipation of whats to come and what does the future hold..its intoxicating...

Then comes the demons...very slowly at first so you don't even notice them creeping up, or they can be explained away by silly things like it was a full moon or tequila...

Then it grows..the nagging inner voice building your anxiety... feeding its own self needs and pushing the wedge between reality and you...emotions fueled by insecurity and fear take you to a new level of insanity then the relationship crumbles...the damage done you hope it can be repaired but its been shaken so badly that the foundation may have cracked and you can never really rebuild on it... that has yet to be determined...

Not to be one to be defeated...so fighting though my wanting desire of hiding in my cave I pulled myself to therapy... well first some antidepressants (cipralex)...then to therapy...talk therapy... going in I was in the belief that there can be hope, is there hope? OMG what if there is no saving me....

Its been three sessions now, and its starting to get to the meat of things, there is homework involved which I do like... am doing a chapter on self talk and it has exercises to complete...Had a quick read and I am definitely in the worrier/victim categories...so I will have to come up with my positive self talk replacements...stay tuned I will post them after doing the homework....

And other homework is to get to the gym a minimum of twice before my next session (sessions are once a week)... so far have been once... fingers crossed I hit two...

Basically this is my blog...its starting at what I can only describe as one step above my lowest point...maybe two steps, this site will cover my journey of complete depression to what I can only hope is truly a happy ending.....I hope you join and follow me on this and send in messages or posts as we go

There are so many of us out there that are faced with challenges... I guess this is my time to face them

For now... I wish us well.... happy thoughts right..lol easier said than done...

:) x